Summer Holidays
by Iridescence-xx
Summary: Sirius hates the summer holidays, and the summer holidays hate him.


Blinding, splitting, the pain ripped through his small frame in an agonising arc. He couldn't think, couldn't breathe, his muscles seized tightly, body contorted in a futile attempt to present as small a target as possible. There was a roaring in his ears and distantly a sound his consciousness vaguely recognised as a whimper. It took a minute or so longer and some deep racking breaths before his brain finally recognized that the pathetic whimpering was coming from him. The stars across his vision faded slowly as he came back to himself and the dim room swam back into focus, the whimpers replaced by deep rasping lungfuls of air. Merlin, his body _throbbed_. His muscles were beginning to cramp. Godric only knew just how long he'd been curled up in on himself like that. The empty room spun around him as he pushed himself to his knees and his body lurched forward as he emptied the contents of his stomach onto the floor, shudders racking his spine. He wondered how long ago his father had left, though he wasn't surprised. He was alone. Here, he was always alone.

He wondered exactly what it had been that had set Orion off this time. Oh, really it could have been any sheer number of things, but Sirius would have liked to know just exactly what had tipped him over the edge. He really should stop antagonising him. Heh, the chances of that happening were about the same as Snivellus suddenly being transferred into Gryffindor and dancing his way up to the tower. Merlin's saggy old balls, he hated the summer holidays. At least his parents now let him stay at Hogwarts for the others; he was just too much of an embarrassment now, after all. And it wasn't as if his parents _needed_ him, right? They had their precious _Regulus_ and… oh.

That had been it. He'd made some snide quips about his brother in front of an 'Important Guest'. Well it wasn't his fault! Every time he looked at Reg he couldn't tell if he wanted to just pull him into a hug and never let go or push him back and smash his fist into his face. Dealing with Reg was _too hard_. Why was he so unwilling to be saved?! He didn't have to be like them if he didn't want to – he was so much better than that! Except… he wasn't. And he _did_ want to be like his parents. And Sirius tried and tried and tried but Regulus just didn't want to be like him. Could he really be blamed? Sirius was practically already outcast from the entire family at the tender age of thirteen. He certainly wasn't helping things either, getting himself punished like that with the Cruciatus curse for being so different to all of them; he was only thankful his mother had been elsewhere – hers was even worse, as venomous as the old hag was herself.

Sirius loved his brother deeply, but now after Reg's first year at Hogwarts it was only too clear that he was too deeply embroiled with Dark wizards already and seemed to have no intention of stopping. If he could, Sirius would just steal him away and they'd run off together but Reg would never consent to that. In fact, he'd resent him for 'trying to "fix" him' and that was one thing Sirius could never bear. So what did Sirius do? He snarked, and ran his mouth. He said cruel things to Regulus and when they were together his mood swung like a pendulum, torn between the desire to have Reg look up to and respect him as he once did, and pushing Regulus until he _hated_ Sirius because if it was going to happen anyway, Sirius would rather it be on _his_ terms as an active participant rather than an apathetic result. His face contorted into an agonized grimace, Sirius lifted his arm and snarling, smashed his fist into the floor.

-x-

Summer was finally over and Sirius' third year at Hogwarts was just beginning. He gazed pensively out the window of the dorm he shared with his three best friends as they laughed and joked and told stories of their summer.

"…ius. SIRIUS."

His gaze snapped suddenly into focus and he let a lazy smirk slide across his face. "What? I was listening. Siriusly!"

Remus just rolled his eyes while the other boys laughed before he spoke again. "I was just asking how your summer was."

"Oh, fine, I guess." His grin widened. "My parents are assholes and Reg was a little shit as usual so nothing new."

Everyone laughed at him then, as carefree as boys with their troubles could be, but later that night when all were in bed and the sounds of Peter's soft snores filled the air, the curtains of his bed slid back quietly and his bed dipped as a warm body curled up behind him.

"So how was it really?" James' voice was barely more than a whisper in his ear.

"I told you it was fine, you idiot." The reply was automatic.

"Siri. Don't lie to me. Not to me."

Sirius' body began to shake and he launched himself round into James' waiting arms, his face burrowing into the crook of James' neck and finally let go and wept, safe in the one place he truly felt loved and safe and valued. Real. Here, pressed into James was the one place he's ever been able to cry.

It was a while before the shaking and sobbing stopped and even then, tears tracked their way down his face. There was a soft kiss to the top of his head.

"I've got you, Siri."


End file.
